There comes a time in a girl’s life when she finds herself with an obsession that is well, inexplicable. It’s something that just consumes you. You think about it all the time. It kind of IS your world for a while. This is totally normal and in some ways a right of passage. There’s something that an obsession like this tells you about yourself, which is, that you’re not thinking about yourself enough. You’ve idealized something to the point that you actually believe it is how it is in your head, which can be really fun for a while, but it’s not reality.
I have had a number of obsessions in my lifetime, most of them are with male actors double my age. But, one that resurfaced recently is the intrigue of the bad boy. Everyone knows one. That guy who doesn’t adhere to anyone’s rules but his own. He can be belligerent at times, but you see it as insightful and brave. He seems sexy and secure and makes you feel safe…in your head. But, that’s the thing. It’s all in your head. Well, at least it was for me. I have a bad habit of doing this. I create fictional characters based off real life people. I do this because it’s safe. I don’t really want to fall for anyone yet. But, with this idealized character, I can control it. I decide when I want to think about him and when I need my own time. It’s the perfect relationship for a delusional teenager. But, then reality sets in. You realize you’re being delusional and you stop thinking about him, or at least I do… Then 6 months pass by and I see him again and I’m like, eww. He’s kind of creepy with that undeserved self-confidence. I could never be in a real relationship with him, nor would I want to be or he with me for that matter.
So, why am I still rambling? Well, it’s my blog dammit, I’ll ramble if I want. JK, I have a point. Being that, usually when you let someone else consume your life in a false reality, it’s because you are neglecting yourself. This was the case for me. I allowed myself to be delusional. When I look back on this now, I think, goddamn I was stupid. But, you know what? At least I learned from it. I learned to be accountable for your own actions. Be true to yourself, don’t neglect yourself and put randos first. Put you and your family first, because those are the people that will be there for you. Also, stop feeling sorry for yourself. Own what you got.