I’ve been trying to write a blog post all summer about some of the more interesting things I’ve been doing/have done, i.e. graduate from college, travel to Asia for the first time, dancing in the park. Annoyingly, I’ve just been entirely too overwhelmed, which manifested into the most annoying brain fart-writer’s block of all time. What have I been overwhelmed about? You may (or may not) ask. Well, for starters, telling people that I’m unemployed and living at home gives me a lot/little of anxiety (just depends on the day and who’s asking). I’m working on getting over it; but the planner in me is just a little slow to catch on to the, “it’s totally normal” response to being an unemployed college graduate.
Before I continue on and on for too long with the whole depressing “I’m unemployed” b.s., I’d like to take a minute to walk you all through the day I’ve had, that has both miraculously cured my wretched writer’s block and reminded me in the most comically-depressing way that my current status is “less than ideal”.
Part 1: Morning
This morning I had my first ever personal training session. Apparently, the gym I just joined gives a free, personalized training session to new members. Since as I mentioned above, I’m currently unemployed (last time, I promise), I decided that I might as well try and start a routine at the gym. What better way to start off a get my body “toned AF” workout regimen, than with a personal training session?! After a slightly awkward phone call with a male trainer that sounded like he survives off solely Whey Protein shakes, I didn’t really know what to expect. I was hoping that A. I wasn’t going to die from working out with weights and B. that they would hold off on all diet advice.
I got to the gym and told the front desk that I had an appointment with a trainer and he said that he’d be waiting for me at the front. The girl took a second to look up from her phone to give me a reassuring dumbfounded look that pretty much set the tone for the whole trainer experience. Front desk girl scrambled to find a trainer to meet with me, something that I found to be slightly impersonal and confusing, since Whey Protein guy and I seemed to have such a rapport. Finally, they found a girl who looked like she was maybe 25 or 26 with dyed Ariel red hair, fake bedazzled nails and a RBF (resting bitch face) that I tried to keep an open mind about.
She took me to the back office, weighed me, measured me and calculated my body fat. To my surprise, I wasn’t 90% body fat, 7% muscle and 3% water/wine, which was what I had thought all along. She told me that I was average, which sounded promising, but was soon followed with the suggested body fat for my height and age, to minimize any fat and basically ensure that I looked like a replica of Jillian Michaels. My friend/foe, Ariel quickly crunched the numbers to see how much I’d need to lose in order to meet that goal. She came up with a whopping 45 lbs that I’d need to lose. I laughed out loud, because I was sure she was kidding. Not only because the number I gave her as a fitness goal was to be healthy and maybe lose 10 lbs. or so and then she hits me with the whole ideal number shit — a weight that I hadn’t been at since middle school.
Half-embarrassed and half-outraged, I tried to keep calm as Ariel subtly body-shamed me. I thought, whatever, this lady is just doing her job, I’m just going to stick this out for the workout portion — the only part I was really hoping for a trainer’s help with. The workout was tough and at the end she praised me with a “your legs are strong” and followed it up with “but, your upper body could use some work”. Thanks for the novel commentary, Ariel — really, a game changer.
Part 2: Later that day…
After my morning reminder that my body was inadequate I felt exhausted and beat down. So, naturally I decided to come home and binge-watch Gilmore Girls until my afternoon doctor’s appointment.
My 3:15 appointment at Kaiser, started with me weighing in again…oh goody. A series of rapid-fire questions followed:
Do you smoke? No. Do you use drugs? Um, no. Do you drink alcohol? Yes. More than 4 drinks a day? Haha, no. Nurse: You’d be surprised. Are you sexually active? Uh, well, no, not at this moment in time. *Nurse develops a slightly annoyed, confused look. Do we need to talk about family planning? Haha, um no. I’m 21. *Nurse: that includes birth control. Me: oh, um yeah, I don’t need that right now, but i’ll get back to you if something changes. Nurse: Ok, the doctor will be right in.
*Doctor enters and analyzes my charts. Doctor: well, you are overdo for a pap smear and that rash on your back is probably just acne…oh and you are 1 % over what you should be in the weight category for your height and weight. Did you know that? Me: Yeah, I’m working on it. Doc: you should really be getting at least 30 min of exercise, at least 5 days a week. Me: *internally screaming* yeah, I’ve heard that once or twice. Doc: ok, well just try and work on it. Me: duly noted.
So, in summary, I am a single, 21 yr. old, unemployed college grad, slightly over the recommended weight, with mild bacne and a Gilmore Girls obsession. And ya know what, I ain’t even trippin. Come at me boys, post-grad life has never looked better.